Sometime towards the end of the year, I met someone who helped change the course of my life.
It seems cliché to say so, but I was lost. I was torn. I tried to let my problems fix itself, but I realized it wasn’t about having a problem. It was my attitude towards fixing it. I had a lot of fears (and still do). So when someone close told me to see a counsellor they were seeing, I almost wanted to flip.
A counsellor? I don’t need advice from her, I have you to give me advice!
There’s only so much advice I can give you.
But I have trust issues. You know how uncomfortable I feel about opening up.
Give her a chance, I think you’ll like her.
We’ll call her J.
I loved her. She was not the counsellor I had in mind. At first glance most people would have identified her as a religious teacher. But she was not. She was spiritual, and treated me as her own daughter. She made you feel accepted and comfortable without being unprofessional and biased. I only saw her a few times. But I had learned more about myself in the few sessions than I had in a long time.
The reason I decided to see her was because I wanted to address some of my fears that was holding me back. It seemed petty. But if a fear holds you back, the only way to not let it is by facing the issue.
Comfort in Solitude
I had just got out of a relationship. After many years of relying on the company of a companion, I was forcing myself to rekindle the companionship of myself. I don’t like to do things alone. It makes me anxious and reminds me of loneliness. A pretty weak excuse, but a feeling is a feeling.
This weekend, I want you to go to a coffee shop and have a meal by yourself.
What?? In public? Seriously..
Yes, I want you to try. And then tell me about it.
It was a strange feeling. But I took it as a dare that I wanted to win (for my own good). J’s request was based on the very thing that I enjoyed most but held myself back from doing due to my own limiting thoughts. Thinking that people might think I’m a loner, that I have no-one to talk to were all just thoughts in my head. But J taught me that what other people think of you is none of your business. When I applied that to all my fears, I immediately felt better.
Learning to be comfortable in my own company is something I am still getting used to. Solitude is not a bad thing, in fact it is much needed to rejuvenate the mind. I read somewhere that learning to reflect in you own company makes one a more understanding person. I hope I head towards that. J also spoke to me about how to be a more understanding person (something I was lacking). I shall leave that for another blogpost.
It’s been 8 months and I am still trying to apply what I’ve learned to new situations. I still feel a little nervous but a whole lot more liberated. And that’s the thing about facing fears. The little courage you take leads you to the liberty of your soul. People should do it more often.